Which Water is the wateriest?

Today, I'd like to begin my reviewing of things and stuff by taking a look at a product so many of us use: Water.

There are several types of water available, including the Bear Grylls intestinally-filtered brand of liquid refreshment, Bear Pee®. Today, I'll be reviewing the more readily available, and somewhat less disgusting varieties, Fiji, Propel, and Tap.

Fiji Water is a brand entirely collected, bottled and packaged on the island of Fiji, a nation filled with villages that barely have access to water that won't kill them, and boy, is it delicious. You can almost taste the natural filtering through years of political unrest and export tax negotiations.
At first glance, the bottle looks like a child's cheap florescent toy aquarium, but the lack of plastic fish awkwardly floating at the top until you shake it is a dead giveaway that this is just a pretty bottle of water. Crack the top, dive right in, and it is absolutely water. There is a hint of mineral, invoking thoughts of water babbling between stones and over moss straight into the crystal martini glass of a pasty old white guy I imagine looks a lot like Colonel Sanders, surrounded by withering indigenous people who dream of a day without dysentery. All in all, 8/10 for being tasteless, like water should be, a 4/10 for not having little plastic fish, and but a solid 13/10 for the irony of their nationwide problem with safe drinking water. Final score: 8.3, Would Bang.

Next up is Propel, which kinda looks like it wanted to be a dildo. Owned by PepsiCo, which makes Mt Dew, the drink that dissolves mice. One and a half thumbs up because I'm afraid they'll drop me in a vat if i give them anything less. Moving on.

Finally, we have Tap Water. Tap Water is available in faucets across the U.S., and comes in various styles, flavors, colors and toxicity levels. Some is sourced underground via springs, wells, or aquifers, whereas quite a lot is treated and recycled by local departments. Urban areas fluoridate their water, either to help your teeth or control your mind depending on the website you read, as well as maintain accepted levels of contaminants like arsenic and mercury. Unless you like to study local water toxicology reports it's a crapshoot, but the availability in sinks and garden hoses across America makes it an easy game to play! All in all, I give it four carrots.

So there you have it, folks. The choice is clear: Respect your Mt Dew Overlords, and may the odds be ever in your favor.

What do you think we should review? Comment below, and maybe we'll steal your idea for our own benefit. Don't worry, we'll send you a card or something.

-EJ